oh life!

Life can be terrible complicated and yet oh so simple. I cherish the simple days, todays was one of them. A quiet Sunday, woken up by no alarm clocks, a simple brunch with Su..a trip down to Borders..then back to home. Suresh has been on leave for 2 weeks, spending time with him during work-weeks is near to impossible. He is an Educational therapist for special needs children (and i daresay he is a pro at his job!) and as much as loves the kids, he gets really drained out by the end of a day. He works with a big group of kids and his colleagues are great but his boss is quite the slave-driver and sadly (for the kids) a shrewd calculative businesswoman. I don't normally people-bash but this lady is really quite horrific.

Had to nip into Borders to buy books pertaining to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The latest module studies this form of therapy in detail, and my assignment is pending...i should have started 2 weeks ago but oh Su was on leave and I just didn't have the heart to not spend time with him! Next time we'll have time like this will be sometime next year..no year-end holidays sadly because i'll be working on another module then :( So i bought 3 books on CBT and hehe had to buy a fiction book..its like depriving a kid in a candystore! I bought F.Scott Fitzgerald's short stories that included Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I just loved the movie, an old man who is a baby, imagine that! I could relate to some themes in the story- of being lonelier than others just for being different, of knowing beyond what you would expect to know at a given age. I look young'ish but most friends will tell you I'm an old soul. Plenty of times i believe i'm not meant to be of this day and age, because I struggle with globalism's after-effects..but i would not have had the opportunities i've been given. Being a minority in Singapore you appreciate its equal opportunity system. Its odd being Me - I feel akin to India but feel like a total stranger when i'm there or amidst my own, I feel totally at ease in Singapore but do not agree with its ways of life. The lack of personal time, personal space..the pursuit of material gains, financial gains. Half of the time my friends are talking about the laptop they just 'pimped up', the Prada coat they bought, the exclusive locations for dinner. These 'ideals' give them plenty to talk about in a group, and when I walk in saying I dislike being brand-conscious and I do not aspire to buy the most talked about tech-savvy item, i get odd looks. Hmph.

Anyway, so after Borders we slipped into a cab and had dinner at home. I am a very unmotivated cook so we usually eat takeout..im really going to try to change this habit. The hubby cooks like a chef but he is so pooped after work, cant blame the guy. We sat down talking about how crazy our lives have been over the years and that after 2 years of marriage it seems to be settling bit by bit. Its a toughie bcos of my past - the dysfunctional family background, the physical/emotional abuse by folks, having nervous breakdowns and trying to bail out on life on numerous occasions, seeing myself through university and now beyond postgraduate studies, falling in love with 'the one' and sticking to my guns no matter what the folks had to say abt him. And this is just the tip of my life's iceberg mind you. I am pretty sure thats why i feel so tired with life sometimes even at age 27! My leg injuries add on to the fatigue..they're life-long injuries and i will talk abt em another time.

The whole point of this entry is that as i was moaning about the deep pain in my feet on my way home, the cab was at a traffic stop nearing my flat. An old, wobbly kneed Chinese uncle (in Singapore, we call all elders brother/sister, auntie/uncle out of respect of the various cultures and generations) held a bag of groceries in one hand and a walking-aid in the other , patiently waiting for the traffic signal to turn green later on because there wasn't enough time left before the signal turned red. I put my head down in embarassment - here I was complaining. I do feel heartened that i did notice how silly my 'woes' were, it stopped me from fretting right then. If i could have gotten outta the cab i would have helped him across the street.

So I'll live to do a good deed today, and pray for commonsense in my sorrows.

Til my next entry, much love xxx

ramblings

My second blog entry. who would have thunk it. Its 5.22am where im at and my mind feels hazy but the heart is heavy. For some time, i have been compelled to write away when i feel this way, it does not solve the problem but i feel so much better and it helps the mind to stay focused on the good. I used to write avidly 10 years ago in high school but lost my way amidst life's many distractions. I journaled, yes i did pen my feelings down but for some unexplainable reason it has not helped as much as resuming writing about lifestories, forgotten memories, poems or short fiction. I wanted to be a writer so badly, and i wanted to work in theatre. There is a fascination with the artist's creative world that has remained dormant. I love my field of work make no mistake of that, but counselling and psychology and women's studies...all that analysis, all that thinking is given a new spin in the world that i dreamt of.

In my previous entry I mentioned i possess a background in dance. Dancing lessons and practice sessions...oh that feeling of such profound exhilaration! I become a whole other person then, and i have always been prone to the enjoyment of losing oneself. I definitely understand escapism. It isn't as though my life is doom and gloom. However a free spirit is bound to feel shackled when living in the world we know. The spirit senses fear, grief, suffocation, saturation. I sit in a crowded bus in the mornings and I look around at my fellows. I can almost hear screams from people who are laying their heads upon the window. Dreams that have been forgotten, Joy that does not exist. I survive, therefore I am. The dimwit that created that quote ought to be sentenced to a billion years of continuos bus-rides, rushing through traffic to get to the office...and thats only the start of the day. Dedication and Diligence are noble values, i wish people saw that more often in themselves instead of struggling to smile once in a day.

As you can see i am very prone to getting diverted in my topic of conversation, i am working hard at slowing the hyperactive mind enough for me to make sense and make valid points.

So where was I? ah dancing. yes aside from writing and the performing arts, my senses are much heightened with good cooking, better wine, great company and fabulous desserts. and i may be barred from caffeine but when i give myself the rare green-light, i relish every sip. I mean it! I smell the aroma to sniff out the bean's source, i try to ascertain the level of acidity, afterwhich i have a sip to swirl the spicy drink around for a lift on the bland palate. Then i slowly sip the cuppa (preferably with a tiny cookie, i substitute sugar with the cookie), and lap every remain. I lick the bit of my coffee spoon, smile and wonder when the caffeine would start to hit.

I'm a collector of sorts: over the years its been an odd habit to save small, intriguing photographs from notable magazines..and i 'collect' poems&quotes - when i chance on a bit of pretty prose, i save it into my huge folder. The photos i hope to frame someday and hang them up at home. The quotes i'd like to randomly add to an artwork just as a personal touch. I always tell Su (the hubby) that anything that i have touched will be personalised in one way or another. I have a pet peeve about perfection. I do not believe in the perfect sculpture, or the perfect mosaic..beauty lies within the artwork and its imperfections hold a personal touch by the artist. This habit arose from a simple story i read about a Lord Shiva statue in a smalltown..written by R.K.Narayan (The Malgudi Days). Some day i might elaborate further on the story and why it means what it means to me.

Moving along.

I have had a 'very happening' kind of existence. Not that it was party-goer happening, more like there have been so many going-ons I feel as if I'm in that tea-cup and saucer amusement ride: you keep spinning and spinning until the stomach feels queasy. Only in my case I have yet to alight. Somedays it feels like the teacup ride, others feel like a crazy rollercoaster ride, some feel like the extreme swing Viking ride, and on lucky days its a toss-up between the ferris wheel and bumper cars. I just want cotton candy and the exit. My childhood was spent admiring the father and learning major life lessons from him, caring for mom and nurturing my sister. Teenagehood was spent poorly defending myself against mom, especially the father and protecting my sister. Adolescence was spent hating my parents and bonding with my sister. So far, Adulthood has been spent resenting the family (all 3 of them), resenting the hubby and his family. The work that i do and the Masters course are all that i cling on to on really bad days. I learnt early on my own that education, self-preservation and realistic-optimism would be my ticket to a well-sustained, fulfilling life.

As much as i love hubby and i still maintain he has been the love of my life thus far, I believe that soulmates cannot be found in one person. It is a complete mistake to believe that just because life has not been easy, you can expect it to get all better once you fall in love. He's a man not a superhero! Over the 9yrs we have seen each other through it all, we have had beautiful times together and bad spats. Recently however I've found myself in a relationship lull. I don't feel the comfort one feels with their other half, I find myself getting annoyed easily and miss affectionate shows more love to the cats! I don't know if it is a dry spell, i am in a situation i really do not have solutions to. I do hope i find one in time.

More to type in the next entry, til later

ciao! xxx

presenting the felines Zadie and Bindi

welcome to my little world of joys, adventures and mischief! i was never allowed to own pets growing up so guess what i did once i stayed on my own? the cats were adopted from a local organization The Cat Welfare Society. I adopted them at age 2 months, and i am all the better a person just for these animals. Caring for animals, babies is an experience that cannot be quantified or done justice through words. and i am planning to add on to this brood soon so stay tuned =)

much love, xxx

Bindi (at present, age 4)

Zadie (at present, age 4)

curiosity and the cat!

you have heard of camouflage, this is cat-o-flage!

zadie big-eyes, soft purrs and dainty

bindi the terrible: pretty face, wicked ways

playing peekaboo

my goodness! new member of our bk club?

bindi when wisened up, is a softy at heart :)

this is....RT

Hello blog-world, i am really new at this so i start off an a tentative step. 

A simple introduction first?

Well im Aarti, a 27 year old Singaporean-Indian. Singapore is this tiny fragment of an island that has closest proximity to Malaysia and Indonesia. Often it is easy to get confused when you mention ur nationality - what on earth is Singaporean-Indian? Well, it simply means my parents are Indian and i am a first-generation Singaporean with Indian descent. This tiny country is a melting pot of languages and cultures. It's original natives are the Malays followed by the immigrant Chinese and Indian from the early 1800s. We were ruled by the British until WW2, and were originally part of Malaysia but gained our own independence in 1965. Very young nation indeed! So our schools incorporated English as the 1st language to overcome multilingual barriers amongst the main three cultures, and our native languages are taught as a 2nd language. This does not mean we do not have misunderstandings within the cultures, but we work through our barriers better (having lived together as a unit for a century). A lot of people who do not know better would label our government as extremely authoritarian. I do have my own personal difficulties relating to legislation and other rules, laws. But i acknowledge the fact that they have a big task on their hands to stay muticulturally integrative and globally entreprenurial. Can you imagine the chaos that can happen in an unruly country, even if its as tiny as ours? That too with so many cultures. And we're so small that we HAVE to make a mark globally because we'd be completely ignored! 

On a more personal level, I have been married to the love of my life Suresh for 2 out of the 9 years we have known each other. We live in a flat which is the most common-sense method of life in an intensely small and saturated population of people. I love animals, and have 2 beautiful, sassy, funny cats named Bindi and Zadie :) I hope to adopt dogs and other animals in the future, Suresh fears we're going to have a farm on our hands once i'm done with that wishlist! I will upload pictures in time of the kitties (or kites as we lovingly call 'em), pls allow this newbie to get herself used to the blogworld first! 

I have an immediate family of 4 - Momma, The father, younger sista Archana and Me. I am the eldest of two sisters, mom's favorite (psst don't tell Archana that!), sister's sounding board/2nd mom/confidante/sparring partner/partner in 'crime'. I am not close to the dad, and i do not usually refer him any other way except for the father or the man of the house (moth-hmm, somehow it seems apt!). I don't like him, but it isn't like i hold him in total disdain..well not anymore. We have a river of bad blood between us. Perhaps it may someday see light of day and we actually might reconcile, but for now some safe distance (literally and/or metaphorically) helps. 

I am an avid observer of life's nuances..its simplest and euphoric moments, the fears and trials, the idiosyncracies, oxymorons, patterns and swirls, nature, people. I am constantly keen to learn something new, its almost a habit. I love to learn-relearn-unlearn, life would be so boring if we stopped living just a wee bit curious. What do you think? 

I am currently a busy full-time Masters student in the field of Counseling. I also teach kids in a public school part-time, like a relief-teacher. I am active within the social network circle i have gained through facebook, and we have created quite a few groups i participate in regularly. I LOVE books and am in a cosy book club. Book of the month currently is Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro. We have read quite a varied spread of authors that include Jodi Picoult(My sister's keeper), Louis De Berniere(Captain Corelli's Mandolin), Zoe Heller(Notes on a Scandal). We call the book club members pithy generalists as we try not to stick to conventional, typical top ten bestsellers or specifically read a particular genre. 

Although born in an orthodox Hindu family, I am an agnostic. The decision to be agnostic did not come about on some sudden whim or cool phase, my life's journey has just directed my inner Zen-ness to an alternative spiritual path. I participate in what is known as the Singapore Humanist Meetup. A group of us like-minded individuals meet every month with the purpose of sharing our opinions on what the term humanism actually means to each of us, gaining knowledge from fellow speakers and enjoying some live music-socialising at the same time. It can get really heated at times, oof! But it is also a chance for people to have an open platform to voice their ideas and share in their amusements/grievances. 

I love music, i am a better person just for the sheer love of it. I love everything about it and find it hard to answer the question 'What is your favorite music genre?' okay admittedly i do get a headache from some brain-pounding trash/death-metal, trance, stupid pop tunes but thats about it really. My taste in music varies from Chopin to The Beatles to Black Sabbath to Ciara to Busta Rhymes to Asian Dub Foundation. I am quite the movie-buff as well, i love movies from Hollywood, Bollywood of all possible genres (Horror, Indie, Foreign, Sci-Fi, Comedy, Animation..you name the genre). 

When motivated, i am an active athlete - swimming, running, power-walking, dancing (i'm trained in 3 forms of classical Indian dance, contemporary dance), singing (that happens only when i am a)very drunk, b) very happy, c)in the shower). I do however live with the aim of maintaining a balance, so i practice meditation, indulge in home-spa treats (ever made a lavender ball bath soak?), have lovely afternoon siestas when i have the luxury of doing so. I have a wide collection of candles - in the attempt to 'go green' they are either made of beeswax or paraffin, they of course are complemented by dozens of candle holders and assortments of incense sticks,essential oils and plenty of ambient tunes. The most vivid soothing memory I remember is taking a lavender bath surrounded by white pillar candles on a wintry night in Australia, with the tune 'Moonlight in Vermont' by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong playing in the background.....ah bliss.....

well study time beckons so this is Me for today. more intro will be done soon.

Til the next entry, much love from bellapetitebebe x 

much love

If you're lonely and it feels like reaching up will make you down, you're not alone. 
If you can't find someplace in this world to belong, your life means something to Me. 
We live in the world, at times we feel small and voiceless. But don't abandon all remnant of hope: the world is free and you are free to live here however you want to. This is miles easier said than done.

So, read ahead. 

I know of troubles mentioned above because my apparent individual differences make it a hard-hitting stormy swim against the tide. Often, i picture a train passing by my door but it does not stop for me. Or Different doors i run towards slam in my face. 
Some days upon waking up it feels like an extended nightmare. Bugger. Some of these days i give in to gloom, Other days i avoid the bad thoughts and on Other days i'm spinning around all day feeling overwhelmed and ready to break into pieces. 

Everyday i make sure i make one good change in the way we have been coded to think. I also chip hard at the mould i was supposed to fit in. A close pal came to stay with me for a week, and when i lived vicariously through his eyes it was enlivening to those goals. It gave my life here a revival and i vowed to hold that thought long enough to make changes after he flew back home. So i questioned old past beliefs and habits until it all started to get too blurry. Spinning started...uh oh. It was overwhelming and cmon like life was easy to work at ? what was i thinking? another 'sure-fire plan' aarti? tsk tsk tch snort snort. 

Spent time mulling away, gloom and doom came to play. oh yay. joy. 
But just when i thought i was a lost-cause, i chanced upon one of my old journal entries (i've been writing since forever).
Dated May 15th, My best friend's death anniversary. Hard lump in throat, pain in chest. oh my God. I remember her fondly on a regular basis but i try not to think about the trauma; the sudden accident on the road and the grief i went through. I insisted back then she was punished for my wrongdoings and i could not face myself. I don't know if i was in a heightened sense of awareness because of the pain but this was what that RT then wrote: 

"emotional vacuum created because of the past -present painful experiences can be filled by lessons gained from them. As i give attention and affection to other loved ones the grief will surely melt away. the truth i am searching for within her death will not show up now, just as we cannot control the sand in our hand no matter how tight the grasp. Rolling into bed with eyes shut tight, I cannot take the painful thoughts away. I will think them as i cry. I will not stop myself from FEELING. Its human. No matter how many times i feel wronged by the world, I will read this to realise i lived through this. This is a testament for all those times i find myself losing control. She lives on within me, i will carry her with me and nothing can EVER change that damn fact. F*** the naysayers and bloody gossip mongers"

I shrugged at the things i was mulling over today, gosh it all seemed so small. Yes life has been a hard-hitting stormy swim against the tide. Precisely why i will not give up, Precisely why i can be there for someone who cries in their sleep every night. I am no bigger than any problem, though i cannot avoid it and the pain, I am all the better now at helping another. My heart is still aching, i have a migraine but this isn't the end of the problems i will face nor is it the end of the world. How do i give up after EVERYTHING thats been said or done? Also, There isn't a better feeling in the world than to see another heave a sigh of release and smile a real smile. If i lose the battle of the wits today, i will miss out on such joy. 

So, i say this again to anybody and everybody: 
If you're lonely and it feels like reaching up will make you down, you're not alone. 
If you can't find someplace in this world to belong, your life means something to Me. 

Big Hugs Much Love from Petite Bebe

Take Two: The Misfits (Optimism post sequel)

So since the first entry its been revelation upon revelation :

- we find allies, kinship whatever you call some level of friendship when you have given up trying..go ahead nod your head, yes this one's very true. Some paradoxical way of life!

- less company = less external noise, some solitude. It can be looked upon in black or white..or shades of grey depending on the individual. By that i mean, it can either be seen as sadness @ being lonely or enjoying loneliness or learning how to enjoy ur own company without living the life of a mountain tortoise

-a different point of view is what is is: a different point of view! don't analyse, read in between lines. why complicate matters? when you take it as it is, its bound to bring about less defensive reactions and more food for thought. or you can just have a good laugh! 

-opening the mind up to other perceptions of your personal truths opens the worldview you hold into new dimensions. Its exciting, refreshing and scary at first but very intoxicating

- empathy is not just something counsellors need. Empathy versus sympathy or apathy as a WORD itself holds great value. Use empathy in your lives, see how much less bitter mundane problems will feel. Truth is, you're probably already using it but you just don't know it. 

So in empathy we attempt to understand where others come from, by putting our feet into their shoes (NOT LITERALLY!) We walk a mile in those shoes, and even the most difficult person to comprehend begins to make sense to you. Now i'm not saying she/he will make complete sense and you will achieve enlightenment (you wish!) and you will NOT have difficulties relating to fellow earth dwellers. you may possibly not elicit strong unpleasant emotions as much as you do and a show of hands which nutter here enjoys unhappy emotions? 

If THAT doesn't work or make sense go hide your head like an ostrich under the ground hahahahaha...naaah.

ask aarti the schmuck who gave you these grand ideas :p 
salut!

dream of a love story (a poem)

move dance groove sway linger swoon sashay
i slither to your side, touches give away strobes shocks fission
lips burning searing pulsing rouge hot
looks saying and kisses screaming what the mind dares not 

You and I, lie on a canopy of lilies faces covered through weeping willows, 
dewdrops on our eyelids as cushy sweetish pillows 
with braids of rose thorns our hands, wincing oh the hurt
oh the pleasure

Never let me go, I dare not see you go, you whisper
How do i see without my eyes my love, i ask.. How can i let you go?
How do i lose your raw scent on my skin my love?
How do i cry, without first experiencing the deepest sigh of pleasure my love?

A thousand nights i dreamed of you
A thousand wars fought, A thousand tears whithered, A thousand forevers i have waited..
I sing a million songs that speak this single reverie of your face
I fear closing my eyes;

Could i have imagined you instead? 

body image

What do girls see when they look at themselves in the mirror?
How about i critique myself and you nod along as you identify with some of these 'faults'? 

hmm. where do i start.
Acne scars. eye-rings, big nose, funny lookin baby hair around forehead.. smile is okay

half-decent neck. horribly broad swimmer shoulders that don't let me wear at least 75% of SG tops. 

wish i had bigger boobs :P 

some semblance of a waist. too much booty...too little booby(couldn't resist the rhyme!). 
ooh god don't get me started on those thighs. decent calves. bruised looking feet..calloused from dancing background. 

then what happens when we go out?
we dress our best, feel ready to set the world on fire after some major wardrobe shopping..
AND the first person you meet gives you a onceover. You pause for breath. Pls be nice, pls be nice pls be nice....
then they say 'You look "different" '
REALLY? What kind of different???, you ask.
"I think that top clings to you a bit too much" or "I don't think that color suits your skin" 
Oh boy. oh dear me. sun gets dimmer. smile fades away.

THEN you either paste a smile, scoff at the remark and tell em off (but still feel awful) right?
OR you can say - You know, i really like the top. I think the color does suit me. I respect your opinion, but its MY body. Its MY face. 
Unless i look like a giraffe wearing kaleidoscopic colours, who gives anybody except me the right to care? 

You might argue and say...hey i don't let anyone dictate how i must look or feel about my looks. 
face yourself in the mirror right NOW. what do you see? 
picture perfect or to work in progress? 

Well here's a question: How about saying I look great. 
Enough dipshits out there have SOMETHING to critique me for. I will not do the same. I'm a real-life heroine, fictional superheroine, a hot mama, warrior princess, girl next door, samba crazy girl..whatever you are...discover your REAL identity and let that shine. Once you know truly, who you are, your beauty will shine beyond anything and anyone. 

So now i look into the mirror again. Take Two.
Babyhair? cute :) eyebags? so i have deep-set eyes, that aint bad and i have honey-brown irises to follow. smaller boobs? so i have more breathing space :) big nose? no, sharp, elegant nose. AND full luscious lips :)
too much booty? there's never too much of a good thing! decent calves? beautifully defined by years of gym, yoga and dance. bruised feet? bruised and callous, yes. but i can walk. and after life-changing accidents, after being told repeatedly FORGET about walking again.. those feet are beautiful to me :) do i sound cocky? well don't you want to appreciate what a miracle you are?

Hey Momma

Momma and I have a relationship neither my father or sister can deny. 
I was her first-born, her sunny bonny dawn,
who brought her 9 months of labour and now 27 years on.. she still dotes on her sunny-bonny slice of dawn

she didn't know what to do with this gawky awkward girl who hated all good dresses, did away with pretty tresses... who played auto-mechanic with cars, wrestled with much older cousins, turned tomato-red screaming like a banshee when angry and climbed a tree at any chance. Alas what do you do when your first-born girl beheads Barbie Dolls and would rather be The Incredible Hulk than play play with pink toy ponies?

So Momma put extra effort in making the younger one learn of girlish ways.
The older one she taught courage, independence and all brave women think swell.
Speak Up! Let no person walk over you! Be proud of what you are! Be whomever you want to be. Astronaut? Fine. Artist? Go right ahead. Psychologist? Thats divine!
Love your curves, nurture your loves, live right off the curb. Rebel but with worthy causes young girl.

Momma likes to have her way, giver her say : Till today Momma shakes her head and says "When will you not walk like a samseng while wearing a dress? You are not supposed to dance as you walk to your wedding altar! My Goodness girl, don't read in bed that late!"

Little does she know, the woman-child indulges in these tut-tuts. 
She craves for the gentle scoff. 
Life changes in so many ways, but teddy-berra Momma stays the same and she likes it that way :)

Momma, i cried everytime you were even 5 minutes late to pick me up from school and you know it. 
Momma, i still cannot bear losing you in a crowd. Thank goodness your bright clothes, 
bright smile and brightly dyed hair always stands out!

Momma, you let me have my way and watch every single Amitabh Bachan movie over and over again to get me to eat.
Momma, i still eat extra slow when i'm with you to have you fondly recollect those times then chide me 'beta, faster eat'

Momma, i know you have not been perfect. I know you were ill. I love you despite the past.
Im far from the perfect daughter yet you love me still.

Momma, for everything i endured at home, the tears the blood the pain...
i know you felt it too, many times more than my own pain
I know you had no choice and kept silent,
and secretly rejoiced when i finally had my way not to stand the violence :)

You miss me when i stay away from the family, daddy and i still have our rage
You miss me when i stay away from the family, the sister and i don't like who the other has become of late

You nursed me back to health when i busted my leg in a mad rage,
You spoke to me when you weren't supposed to, eventho daddy warned you to stay away,
You kissed my fears away and promised to fight the nitemares away
You cry when i cry still; 
You cried inside when your baby lost her baby..you fought ur tears to take away my tears 
You love without a price;
i've misunderstood Momma in many instances, and she's done the same,
but together Momma and i will always make a happy picture of love n goodwill 
Until time stands still...

passion

I LOVE World music. I celebrate the universality of humankind in music. It costs nothing. Pissbroke one rainy afternoon in melbourne, i found myself taking shelter in an old cd-shop. I chanced upon the album One Giant Leap; i kid you not it changed my life. I listen to every single song everyday since those 5 years ago. Their music, the lyrics speak to me in ways only an aria can. Its meditative, thought provoking. 

If you know who Ben Harper is, chances are you have an inkling of Michael Franti, ROOTS, Jack Johnson. These are the lyrics from a fantastic african tribal song. i'd love to know how you found it, i'll gladly upload the song if u want to have a listen.
Music is to me proof of the existence of god. It is so extraordinarily full of magic and in tough times of my life it makes SUCH a difference :)
Enjoy:

Last night i went to sleep as a child,
Only to discover i woke up this morning as a man;
In my hands i find the tools and the rage of my father and
In my heart i find the love and the fear of my mother

Confrontation between the night and the day;
the land and the sea,
the fire and the air, 
the scared and the profane, 
the holy and the unholy,
the focused and the misdirected,
the bullet and the flesh,
the mind and the spirit,
the sound when you hear it,
the oppressor and the resister,
the brother and the sister,

We are now walking the Ghosts of the Dead; 
we are alive, with the spirit of our Passion

optimism

I had to write a note after spending hours googling how to be optimistic. what has life come to? 

It feels lonely even among a cacophony of noise, ocean of sights. i live in busy cosmo singapore, this is BEYOND ridiculous. Come let me share with you my problems lah.

Talking to smart people leaves you smarting. affection and relation are thrown out of the window. Anything beyond politics, history, philosophy, books, film noir, travel..whatever, you name it, goes past their realm of conversation. 

Talking to sociable person makes one feel like they're going to reach their next social stop any minute and u will be left out cold. Yikes. The word shallow, attention grabbing and ppl pleasing comes to mind.

Talking to an unsociable person means you have coax the talk out of them, and at the end 
feel deflated! Damn tiring.

Talking to a chatty person has its perks, but staying in focus is not one of em. ADHD rings a big bell everytime. 

Talking to a temperamental person seriously leaves you mental. Like the Indians say, don't be senti or i'll get mental. 

Talking to an attractive person give you painful evesight. They have shifty eyes, always looking for who is checking em out. If you try keeping up you will get CROSSEYED. They suddenly start laughing to show off their pearlies and bat their eyelashes so the other can notice. very bewildering behavior. I tried it and i looked like a P.sycho. 

I've had a hard time trying to figure whats wrong..is it my lingo, demeanour or what??????? Thankfully in recent times moi has met other ppl who're totally singled out like me for reasons only planets Ofana and Canano can explain 

(when i worked with kids..asked 2 kids which planets they came from. These two planets were their answers :p),

and i seem to be forming a band of 'misfits'.

I like :D

To be updated... 

in with the good

This is a season of crossroads and transformations, revelations, fast changes little changes, and i embrace them all. Sadly with these changes i can foretell that there are some people i need to give my love and bid a farewell. I am not bidding YOU a farewell, No, but i am making it known that i have been making changes socially for the betterment of living, before i go on my deleting spree. 

However long or short ppl have been part of this crazy existence, you have made a difference be it good or bad. My journey is long and i dont know where i may end up, and i do not want to drag ppl down the madness that may ensue. I cannot explain why i am the way i am to everyone. I am an acquired taste, that i understand very well. I am humbled by the sum of my experiences, and i am inspired by changes everyday. It is not about dragging the bag of bones across the floor. It is not about ruminating and sympathizing. 

It is about one's journey to come into their own, living life by your own terms. This is not everyone's motto, and for those who want it they cannot seem to reach for it. Well, i have crossed that bridge FINALLY. To the naked eye i may be a weepy, angry poetic nut..but i make more sense to myself than i EVER have. I love to live. I love to laugh, and i am pretty damn funny too. If i don't ask ppl to change who they are, why ask so of me? Am i making sense?

I was fifteen, lying on the floor bleeding and crying after another lashing. I looked up at mom and asked her if she loved me. I received a spit on my face and an answer that resonates in my head til today:

'I will love you if you lose weight. i will love you more if you get good grades. I will love you if you know how to be a good daughter' 

That was one tiny piece of the past. After living that life, i want to be proud of who i am, 
and if anyone stands in my way..I'm sorry, you've got to go. I have been pleasing people far too long. So if you hear from another, that i am not speaking with her/him..you will know why. 

Step into the new world, 
old memories I bid you farewell.
its time to come out of the shell, 
of hidden pain and dismal thoughts,
i bid you farewell

Today a fresh hope I have felt, 
to you unfulfilled dreams farewell.
Today I am born new you can tell, 
my past to you I bid farewell

Ignoramus

(this was written on an especially frustrating day)

Do not presume to know what i will or will not say,

You don't know me.
Do not claim to be of pure heart and good mind,
I see right through that black holed heart.
Do not assume forgiveness will be swiftly delivered,
when it is impossible for you to do the same.
Looking at me from vantage points, deeming merit points,
for sharing points of view

Whether there were a history between us, or a friendship formed fast,
it does not matter to my heart, whats past is the past
I do not long for swarms of people to make living complete,
and my present seems clearer as i realise this, indeed.
The brands and the gadgets and the clothes don't make me Me,
It is you i pity for, you who will never see the things that i see, beyond materials of creed.

I pity the concept of relating falls deaf on your ears,
To each his own, this is the anthem that you hear,
I wish you every success and envy of your peer,
But remember what i say in this ditty poor dear:
an extra minute early in the train will not be compiled in your eulogy,
all the money and accolades you earn fall deaf on the obituary,
you may be surrounded with many but you will die alone not with that many,
I pity you never lived your life beyond the self, 
the greedy mind, your heart filled with envy.
Of love, humanity and selflessness...the gifts i wished for you
I now wish no more, no more than your dim point of view

city life

i chanced upon this amazing poetry forum online headed by a rising American poet Jahan Khalighi. Born in the Middle East, brought up in South America and now based in Chicago...He is young, relevant and you will see why this makes sense to urban singaporeans. He has won what modern poetry call poetry slams (like rap actually), and i think he's brilliant. 
I've placed his poem here to marvel at a youngster's depth of words. 

I get all baby-mama ish when i see teens & adolescents being so put together despite the craziness we live in :)
Enjoy..


THERE ARE VOICES WITHIN THE CONFINES OF
THIS CITY IS A CACOPHONY OF OUR SUBCONCIOUS
MEN HUNGRY FOR SPIRIT
BEG FOR CHANGE IN ORDER TO BUY A BOTTLE OF SPIRITS
FIXING FOR A TASTE OF A FEELING OF CONTENTMENT

THIS CITY IS BUSTLING BARITONE BASS DRUM
BUSES CARRY US HOME
CARRY OUR DREAMS
CARRY OUR FRUSTRATIONS
AS WE TRANSFER DIRECTIONS
PITYING OURSELVES
ANGRY ABOUT THIS OR THAT
ALL THE WHILE
FLYING ON THE MAJESTIC WINGS OF CHANGE

THIS CITY IS COVERED IN CONCRETE
EVEN THE TREES ARE LONGING FOR SOME SPACE
TO WIGGLE THEIR ROOTS

FUNNY TO THINK BENEATH ALL THIS AGGREGATE
BENEATH ALL THESE SLABS OF STONE
BENEATHE ALL THESE PAVED OVER SIDEWALKS
THERE IS SOIL, THERE IS EARTH
FERTILE AND PULSING
DORMANT WITH SEEDS
WAITING TO BREATHE
AND BRING FORTH
LIFE

THIS CITY IS BUSTLING
IS NOISY
IS SCREAMING AT PASSING CARS
IS TALKING TO ITSELF IN THIRD PERSON
IS SELLING SEX ON THE CORNER
IS SELLING CIGARETTES ON THE CORNER
IS SELLING DIABETES AND CEREAL
AND CANCER AND TOOTHPASTE ON THE CORNER

AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE OUR SHAMANS ARE TODAY
THEY ARE ON THE STREETS
HUSTLING AND BUSTLING AND BURNING AND SLEEPING
IN NEED OF COMMUNITY
JUST AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE

THIS CITY IS A METRONOME
IS A MIRROR

I SEE MY FEAR WALKING ON TELEGRAPH
I SEE MY ANXIETY IN A PARKING METER
I SMELL NOTHING BUT GREASE AND GLAMOUR
AND FOSSILIZED GLITTER
AND EVEN GOLD AND JADE AND CRYSTAL
ONE DAY DISAPPEARS

THIS CITY IS PAINTED
IS MAKING MELODY OF MEMORY
IS ASH AND BURNING CULTURE
IS OLD DYING INDUSTRIAL DEVELOPMENT
BILLBOARD SEX SYMBOL

THIS CITY IS BLOWING A RUSTED SAXOPHONE AND SOMEHOW
REMEMBERING ITSELF INSIDE OF THIS UNFAMILIAR WOMB
THIS CITY IS BEGINNING TO TELL ITS OWN STORY
IS WEAVING SMOKE AND SAGE AND TEA AND DRUM AND POETRY
BACK INTO ITS BOWELS
THIS CITY IS BREAKING CONCRETE WITH STEAL
IS COMPOSTING ITS SCRAPS OF DECAYING ORGANIC MATTER
IS REGUVINATING SOIL
IS PLANTING GARDENS IN THE APPARITIONS OF ABANDONED BUILDINGS
IS ARCHIVING ANCESTERS WITH EARCH CORN STOCK
EACH SUMMER SQUASH
EACH BED OF STRAWBERRYS
REGROWING OUR SANITY INTO THIS LAND OF FORGOTTEN DREAMS

WATER AND GREIF
THYME AND OREGANO
DEPRESSION AND ISOLATION
MINT AND COMFY

THIS CITY IS HEALING IN THE PROCESS OF DYING
IS BECOMING
IS BUSTLING
IS SINGING 
IS MAKING ITS MUSIC ALL THE WHILE.

making peace

Year by year i find different aspects of life more enriching than the other..
I wanted to grow older so badly when i was a kid, now i want to savour every single day
I wanted to stay svelte, without any physical imperfection so people would see me at 15,
I wanted people to take notice of my work when i was 19, 
I wanted my parents to understand what the age 21 signified to me - freedom to relate, openness, independence. 

TODAY i am the sum of the child i was and still hold on to, different 'mothers', 'grandmothers' that have come and gone. 

I am the sum of the teachers who made a difference and saw something beyond what peers saw - of Kavya (poetry) and Itihass (history), Bhaasha (languages), Kalaa (art), Manovigyaan (psychology), Abhinay (performing), Sur (music), Nritya (dance)

I am my mother's vicarious voice - a woman standing in her might and right
I am my father's conscience and strength 
Life takes on a new purpose when you have seen manifest what you can be beyond culture, societal norms/expectations. 

Somedays i wonder who's saner: us in our offices, with business jackets or the person with a varied point of view in a straijacket. We fear the latter, despise his deviance. But what do we know of him that we know any more of ourselves? 

Just take a pause to reflect upon the simple things that cost not a cent but feel awesome. 
I just did. 

My heart stopped for a minute because i lost the will to live,
irony is i help people regain reasons to live, hold onto slivers of hope
I saw that irony the minute i was dead, im thankful to still be alive to type this out and reach out to you. 

Now more than ever i feel the need to surround myself with loved ones. You should too.
Its never too late to call mom, dad or a friend you have departed with to tell them you love them, as long as you're alive and breathing you have a chance to right your wrongs.

hey ladies!

What STRONG women have in common:

- They break the rules and make their own
- They make firm demands
- They say NO frankly and clearly
- They don't let anyone make them feel insecure
- They have a vision of the path they want to take
- They think BIG, not petty thoughts
- They see to it that they have successful experiences
- They do not want to please at any price
- They are not afraid of criticism
- They don't allow others to squelch them
- They accept the fact that there can be no gain without risks
- They use their energy to accomplish their OWN goals
- They are proud of their successes
- They enjoy competition
- Their solutions are not self-doubt and self-distinction, but Inner and Outer Courage

Hollow: afterword: Not Everything Is Lost

i stumbled upon this poem by an Arab-American poet and it tugged at my heartstrings..it speaks to me of humanity, that people still greet others with warmth - strangers, foreigners, whoever it is. I get down thinking how emotionally hollow and cosmopolitan-strained relationships have become, all in the name of Globalism.
The poem posted entitled Hollow was written on a very helpless note and since then i have been looking for a better point of view :) 
I think i've found it. 


Wandering Around an Albuquerque Airport Terminal
by Naomi Shihab Nye

After learning my flight was detained 4 hours,
I heard the announcement:
If anyone in the vicinity of gate 4-A understands any Arabic,
Please come to the gate immediately.

Well -- one pauses these days. 
Gate 4-A was my own gate. I went there.
An older woman in full traditional Palestinian dress,
Just like my grandma wore, was crumpled to the floor, wailing loudly.
Help, said the flight service person. Talk to her. What is her
Problem?
we told her the flight was going to be four hours late and she did this.

I put my arm around her and spoke to her haltingly.
Shu dow-a, shu- biduck habibti, stani stani schway, min fadlick,
Sho bit se-wee?

The minute she heard any words she knew -- however poorly used -
She stopped crying.

She thought our flight had been cancelled entirely.
She needed to be in El Paso for some major medical treatment the following day. 
I said no, no, we're fine, you'll get there, just late,

Who is picking you up? Let's call him and tell him.
We called her son and I spoke with him in English.
I told him I would stay with his mother till we got on the plane and would ride next to her -- southwest.

She talked to him. Then we called her other sons just for the fun of it.

Then we called my dad and he and she spoke for a while in Arabic and found out of course they had ten shared friends.

Then I thought just for the heck of it why not call some Palestinian
Poets I know and let them chat with her. This all took up about 2 hours.

She was laughing a lot by then. Telling about her life. Answering
questions.

She had pulled a sack of homemade mamool cookies -- little powdered
Sugar crumbly mounds stuffed with dates and nuts -- out of her bag --
and was offering them to all the women at the gate.

To my amazement, not a single woman declined one. It was like a
Sacrament. The traveler from Argentina, the traveler from California,
The lovely woman from Laredo -- we were all covered with the same
Powdered sugar. And smiling. There is no better cookies.

And then the airline broke out the free beverages from huge coolers --
Non-alcoholic -- and the two little girls for our flight, one African
American, one Mexican American -- ran around serving us all apple juice
And lemonade and they were covered with powdered sugar too.

And I noticed my new best friend -- by now we were holding hands --
Had a potted plant poking out of her bag, some medicinal thing,

With green furry leaves. Such an old country traveling tradition. Always
Carry a plant. Always stay rooted to somewhere.

And I looked around that gate of late and weary ones and thought,
This is the world I want to live in. The shared world.

Not a single person in this gate -- once the crying of confusion stopped
-- has seemed apprehensive about any other person.

They took the cookies. I wanted to hug all those other women too.
This can still happen anywhere.

Not everything is lost.

Hollow (a poem)

Dear God, its me 
yes this in the darkest hour of my night
i have a few questions i put to you now forthright
because i know not if i have an ounce of might
left in my fight

Dear God if even the smallest creature is put to this earth
to have a purpose and show its worth
pray tell what is mine, word for word?

I can love and i can hope and i can pray
but the pain just does not seem to go away
if life is so short for mere mortals like me
pray tell how can i live and be free?

i grew up at a tender age
and reached my prime when others hadn't begun to earn a wage
i've hoped and i've prayed and i've loved to date
So is my wait to be my hopeless fate?

Dear God if we are all your children 
why did i not have my childhood?
If we live and learn,
did you want me to learn through lashes and burns?
All i have of precious loved ones are in grey ashes and urns,
God why would i still want to yearn to learn?

I fear you may have made a mistake
I think and i feel and i do not forsake
but i know not what to do with my existence of late 
I really do fear you may have made a mistake

I hear what they say of potential and greater beginnings
But that is just it, 
Is my life just a sum of beginnings?
Many kindred souls i am meeting
that reflect my life stories with their own beginnings
But their stories are also unfinished, nil partake of any winnings
So tell me pray tell dear God why are we here,
if to our lives there is not a decent ending?

Forgive me for having these misgivings,
but i feel more pain with every beginning.
If there is no end to the search for a life i am yearning,
pray tell why do you keep the flame of hope within me burning?

within me burns but a dying flame,
and i know not who am i to blame
for the shame and the games and all that pain
Have i hoped for a better day in vain?

25 things about Me

1) I wanna get a dog..make that two dogs
2) Im nocturnal
3) I miss Melbourne :(
4) I love studying what im studying now (counselling)
5) yes im a geek and proud of it
6) i hate contact lenses 
7) I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (diagnosed waaaaay after my schooling days were over so the info didn't help!!!)
8) when wasted i stone or philosophise
9) i love my cats bindi & zadie..
10)... so much my hubby has to wonder who im cooing at - him or the cat
11) i am bubble-girl..i get allergic reactions to god knows how many things
12) i love all kinds of colors, music and movies...
13) ...i dont know if thats eclectic or if eclectic is a polite word for confusingly screwed up
14) if i could have a job just travelling and holidaying..sigh....
15) gimme a thouand bucks and i can show u how to get as many things in that amt..budget but good shopper
16) loves nature
17)has to have one GOOD cup of coffee a day to keep me going
18) recently love to write, create (crafts, articles of clothing, designing bags, jewellery making etc)
19) hates all the isms that are prejudice-based: sexism, ageism, sizeism..
20) wants to work for the UN one day...............
21) has recently immersed herself in her rich heritage and seeks spiritual reality
22) is totally addicted to anyone's Wii and her Macbook
23) loves celebrating everyone else's b'days save for hers..old habit
24) has become a Man Utd fan over the yrs as a result of being married to an ardent one
25) wonders if this shit is gonna bore ppl :p

LIVE

How many times in a day do i see ppl pacing, glancing nervously at their watches, hearts beating wondering if they will make it in time for the bus or train so they won't get into trouble for being late at work? Alright so u can't be a slouch but will u be praised for being 5 mins earlier at work at your eulogy? r.i.p - she/he was conscientious? How do you want to be remembered? What have you done for another person today without expecting anything in return? What kind of a legacy would u like to leave behind? No really, ambitions and expectations from self and others aside?

How many times do you see people staring at someone who does not fit into the 'norm' .. a size, an outfit, demeanour? Don't u know...round is STILL a shape. GET OVER IT. 
An outfit is that person's individual expression, and why shoud u stare gawk or gape when it already can be a harsh world out there? Dressing culture-appropriately is individual choice, not everyone in a hijab harbours terrorist thots. Fundamentalists exist in EVERY SINGLE SOCIETY, not just theirs...and once again, its a personal choice. 

Backhanded compliments are not compliments - say it when u actually mean it.
Its okay to have a bad day - what isn't ok is to shirk away from a person with the blues.
i wouldn't do that with an AIDS infected friend. 
check ur judgement calls...is it u talking or learned societal rules talking?
Just who would you rather be? Just who ARE you? how would u like your descendants to recall you as a real person? 

go ahead, be successful, be a social butterfly, take care of ur health, love ur life..but don't stomp on people in their downtimes..it might be you next in line, and u WILL need all the support u can possibly get.

I know. I was there. Now i aint...but i shall forgive and in time forget. How about you?

one of my many epiphanies

Life is NOT a straight road,
often it is more like a maze..
It often seems to be a contradiction
where good vs evil,
the comical vs the tragedies, 
cowards vs heroes,
are spun together in a mess.

One thing's for sure, if anyone is in this game called Life for the long haul..
stop fretting abt being or not being - who, what, where
quit moaning about the shoulda-coulda-woulda's

JUST BE. 
Thats a testament of a life, 
u learn it when the shit hath hitteth thou fan :p

punching bag or punching through?

Sometimes the Universe delivers a body blow in the form of an unexpected series of events that can be a direct uppercut to my equilibrium: losing a job, having a miscarriage, losing my way, people i have depended on moving away, toxic ppl i considered close i had to cut off from. Oh boy the pain..the pain.

BUT instead of panicking, im taking a deeeeeeep breath - then im breathing out this huge sigh of relief!!! I had a gut feeling about these things - the energy of the times, various places (literal and metaphorical) and the aforementioned 'people' was beginning to expire. 

SO NOW WHAT?

Now.... it's time to re-energize and begin a new phase - and see the neat thing is now, with a clean slate, i can design it however i want. I've taken charge and im beginning to learn the thrill that i now HAVE the personal power to change anything. I can reinvent, vent, venture! Its times likes these u want to live again 
(cited from my muse Dave Grohl of The Foo Fighters, former drummer of Nirvana - never heard of either u MUST be an alien!!!)

So its time to Get Busy, time to change, create, design, take charge!
In the poetic rhythmic reinventor of our time named Madonna aptly puts it: 
Express Yourself, Don't Repress Yourself ;D 

I Believe

DESPITE my height, weight, body proportions, insecurities, criticism, competition, health woes, my skin color, that voice in my head that says ‘No way’, bad timing, bad luck, a tight budget, fear, flaws, failure and opposition, I BELIEVE

BECAUSE of hot cuppas / teas, good jokes, inspirational people / poems / quotes, insightful articles, old books rediscovered, new books uncovered, new friends made, old friends cherished, sudden gifts, slow Sundays, TGIFs, living it up Agrarian style, fitness, dance, swims and yoga that unwind, meditation that enlightens, men with dimples – one in particular – who smiles back at me, I BELIEVE

I AM olive-skinned, 20-something, funny, feisty and i don’t hate my curves. I love my momma, live spiritually, can’t live without good music or movies, warm candlelit showers, can’t be without my Su
I’ve NOT been shy about my faults, been disloyal, been materialistic
I WANT my headspace, to live my life how I want to and not by how I should, to meet the Dalai Lama, to find my vocational niche, to care for many pets, to have a brood of kids, more holidays!

I CRY, I LEARN, I TRUST, I BELIEVE

I fall and pick myself up.
I lose hope yet I dream.
I am lost and I find myself again.
I cry and I laugh through the blood and tears.

I despair yet, I BELIEVE