If you're lonely and it feels like reaching up will make you down, you're not alone.
If you can't find someplace in this world to belong, your life means something to Me.
We live in the world, at times we feel small and voiceless. But don't abandon all remnant of hope: the world is free and you are free to live here however you want to. This is miles easier said than done.
So, read ahead.
I know of troubles mentioned above because my apparent individual differences make it a hard-hitting stormy swim against the tide. Often, i picture a train passing by my door but it does not stop for me. Or Different doors i run towards slam in my face.
Some days upon waking up it feels like an extended nightmare. Bugger. Some of these days i give in to gloom, Other days i avoid the bad thoughts and on Other days i'm spinning around all day feeling overwhelmed and ready to break into pieces.
Everyday i make sure i make one good change in the way we have been coded to think. I also chip hard at the mould i was supposed to fit in. A close pal came to stay with me for a week, and when i lived vicariously through his eyes it was enlivening to those goals. It gave my life here a revival and i vowed to hold that thought long enough to make changes after he flew back home. So i questioned old past beliefs and habits until it all started to get too blurry. Spinning started...uh oh. It was overwhelming and cmon like life was easy to work at ? what was i thinking? another 'sure-fire plan' aarti? tsk tsk tch snort snort.
Spent time mulling away, gloom and doom came to play. oh yay. joy.
But just when i thought i was a lost-cause, i chanced upon one of my old journal entries (i've been writing since forever).
Dated May 15th, My best friend's death anniversary. Hard lump in throat, pain in chest. oh my God. I remember her fondly on a regular basis but i try not to think about the trauma; the sudden accident on the road and the grief i went through. I insisted back then she was punished for my wrongdoings and i could not face myself. I don't know if i was in a heightened sense of awareness because of the pain but this was what that RT then wrote:
"emotional vacuum created because of the past -present painful experiences can be filled by lessons gained from them. As i give attention and affection to other loved ones the grief will surely melt away. the truth i am searching for within her death will not show up now, just as we cannot control the sand in our hand no matter how tight the grasp. Rolling into bed with eyes shut tight, I cannot take the painful thoughts away. I will think them as i cry. I will not stop myself from FEELING. Its human. No matter how many times i feel wronged by the world, I will read this to realise i lived through this. This is a testament for all those times i find myself losing control. She lives on within me, i will carry her with me and nothing can EVER change that damn fact. F*** the naysayers and bloody gossip mongers"
I shrugged at the things i was mulling over today, gosh it all seemed so small. Yes life has been a hard-hitting stormy swim against the tide. Precisely why i will not give up, Precisely why i can be there for someone who cries in their sleep every night. I am no bigger than any problem, though i cannot avoid it and the pain, I am all the better now at helping another. My heart is still aching, i have a migraine but this isn't the end of the problems i will face nor is it the end of the world. How do i give up after EVERYTHING thats been said or done? Also, There isn't a better feeling in the world than to see another heave a sigh of release and smile a real smile. If i lose the battle of the wits today, i will miss out on such joy.
So, i say this again to anybody and everybody:
If you're lonely and it feels like reaching up will make you down, you're not alone.
If you can't find someplace in this world to belong, your life means something to Me.
Big Hugs Much Love from Petite Bebe
If you can't find someplace in this world to belong, your life means something to Me.
We live in the world, at times we feel small and voiceless. But don't abandon all remnant of hope: the world is free and you are free to live here however you want to. This is miles easier said than done.
So, read ahead.
I know of troubles mentioned above because my apparent individual differences make it a hard-hitting stormy swim against the tide. Often, i picture a train passing by my door but it does not stop for me. Or Different doors i run towards slam in my face.
Some days upon waking up it feels like an extended nightmare. Bugger. Some of these days i give in to gloom, Other days i avoid the bad thoughts and on Other days i'm spinning around all day feeling overwhelmed and ready to break into pieces.
Everyday i make sure i make one good change in the way we have been coded to think. I also chip hard at the mould i was supposed to fit in. A close pal came to stay with me for a week, and when i lived vicariously through his eyes it was enlivening to those goals. It gave my life here a revival and i vowed to hold that thought long enough to make changes after he flew back home. So i questioned old past beliefs and habits until it all started to get too blurry. Spinning started...uh oh. It was overwhelming and cmon like life was easy to work at ? what was i thinking? another 'sure-fire plan' aarti? tsk tsk tch snort snort.
Spent time mulling away, gloom and doom came to play. oh yay. joy.
But just when i thought i was a lost-cause, i chanced upon one of my old journal entries (i've been writing since forever).
Dated May 15th, My best friend's death anniversary. Hard lump in throat, pain in chest. oh my God. I remember her fondly on a regular basis but i try not to think about the trauma; the sudden accident on the road and the grief i went through. I insisted back then she was punished for my wrongdoings and i could not face myself. I don't know if i was in a heightened sense of awareness because of the pain but this was what that RT then wrote:
"emotional vacuum created because of the past -present painful experiences can be filled by lessons gained from them. As i give attention and affection to other loved ones the grief will surely melt away. the truth i am searching for within her death will not show up now, just as we cannot control the sand in our hand no matter how tight the grasp. Rolling into bed with eyes shut tight, I cannot take the painful thoughts away. I will think them as i cry. I will not stop myself from FEELING. Its human. No matter how many times i feel wronged by the world, I will read this to realise i lived through this. This is a testament for all those times i find myself losing control. She lives on within me, i will carry her with me and nothing can EVER change that damn fact. F*** the naysayers and bloody gossip mongers"
I shrugged at the things i was mulling over today, gosh it all seemed so small. Yes life has been a hard-hitting stormy swim against the tide. Precisely why i will not give up, Precisely why i can be there for someone who cries in their sleep every night. I am no bigger than any problem, though i cannot avoid it and the pain, I am all the better now at helping another. My heart is still aching, i have a migraine but this isn't the end of the problems i will face nor is it the end of the world. How do i give up after EVERYTHING thats been said or done? Also, There isn't a better feeling in the world than to see another heave a sigh of release and smile a real smile. If i lose the battle of the wits today, i will miss out on such joy.
So, i say this again to anybody and everybody:
If you're lonely and it feels like reaching up will make you down, you're not alone.
If you can't find someplace in this world to belong, your life means something to Me.
Big Hugs Much Love from Petite Bebe
No comments:
Post a Comment