ramblings

My second blog entry. who would have thunk it. Its 5.22am where im at and my mind feels hazy but the heart is heavy. For some time, i have been compelled to write away when i feel this way, it does not solve the problem but i feel so much better and it helps the mind to stay focused on the good. I used to write avidly 10 years ago in high school but lost my way amidst life's many distractions. I journaled, yes i did pen my feelings down but for some unexplainable reason it has not helped as much as resuming writing about lifestories, forgotten memories, poems or short fiction. I wanted to be a writer so badly, and i wanted to work in theatre. There is a fascination with the artist's creative world that has remained dormant. I love my field of work make no mistake of that, but counselling and psychology and women's studies...all that analysis, all that thinking is given a new spin in the world that i dreamt of.

In my previous entry I mentioned i possess a background in dance. Dancing lessons and practice sessions...oh that feeling of such profound exhilaration! I become a whole other person then, and i have always been prone to the enjoyment of losing oneself. I definitely understand escapism. It isn't as though my life is doom and gloom. However a free spirit is bound to feel shackled when living in the world we know. The spirit senses fear, grief, suffocation, saturation. I sit in a crowded bus in the mornings and I look around at my fellows. I can almost hear screams from people who are laying their heads upon the window. Dreams that have been forgotten, Joy that does not exist. I survive, therefore I am. The dimwit that created that quote ought to be sentenced to a billion years of continuos bus-rides, rushing through traffic to get to the office...and thats only the start of the day. Dedication and Diligence are noble values, i wish people saw that more often in themselves instead of struggling to smile once in a day.

As you can see i am very prone to getting diverted in my topic of conversation, i am working hard at slowing the hyperactive mind enough for me to make sense and make valid points.

So where was I? ah dancing. yes aside from writing and the performing arts, my senses are much heightened with good cooking, better wine, great company and fabulous desserts. and i may be barred from caffeine but when i give myself the rare green-light, i relish every sip. I mean it! I smell the aroma to sniff out the bean's source, i try to ascertain the level of acidity, afterwhich i have a sip to swirl the spicy drink around for a lift on the bland palate. Then i slowly sip the cuppa (preferably with a tiny cookie, i substitute sugar with the cookie), and lap every remain. I lick the bit of my coffee spoon, smile and wonder when the caffeine would start to hit.

I'm a collector of sorts: over the years its been an odd habit to save small, intriguing photographs from notable magazines..and i 'collect' poems&quotes - when i chance on a bit of pretty prose, i save it into my huge folder. The photos i hope to frame someday and hang them up at home. The quotes i'd like to randomly add to an artwork just as a personal touch. I always tell Su (the hubby) that anything that i have touched will be personalised in one way or another. I have a pet peeve about perfection. I do not believe in the perfect sculpture, or the perfect mosaic..beauty lies within the artwork and its imperfections hold a personal touch by the artist. This habit arose from a simple story i read about a Lord Shiva statue in a smalltown..written by R.K.Narayan (The Malgudi Days). Some day i might elaborate further on the story and why it means what it means to me.

Moving along.

I have had a 'very happening' kind of existence. Not that it was party-goer happening, more like there have been so many going-ons I feel as if I'm in that tea-cup and saucer amusement ride: you keep spinning and spinning until the stomach feels queasy. Only in my case I have yet to alight. Somedays it feels like the teacup ride, others feel like a crazy rollercoaster ride, some feel like the extreme swing Viking ride, and on lucky days its a toss-up between the ferris wheel and bumper cars. I just want cotton candy and the exit. My childhood was spent admiring the father and learning major life lessons from him, caring for mom and nurturing my sister. Teenagehood was spent poorly defending myself against mom, especially the father and protecting my sister. Adolescence was spent hating my parents and bonding with my sister. So far, Adulthood has been spent resenting the family (all 3 of them), resenting the hubby and his family. The work that i do and the Masters course are all that i cling on to on really bad days. I learnt early on my own that education, self-preservation and realistic-optimism would be my ticket to a well-sustained, fulfilling life.

As much as i love hubby and i still maintain he has been the love of my life thus far, I believe that soulmates cannot be found in one person. It is a complete mistake to believe that just because life has not been easy, you can expect it to get all better once you fall in love. He's a man not a superhero! Over the 9yrs we have seen each other through it all, we have had beautiful times together and bad spats. Recently however I've found myself in a relationship lull. I don't feel the comfort one feels with their other half, I find myself getting annoyed easily and miss affectionate shows more love to the cats! I don't know if it is a dry spell, i am in a situation i really do not have solutions to. I do hope i find one in time.

More to type in the next entry, til later

ciao! xxx